On Being a Horrible Mother

I'm aware that people will say "oh you're not a bad mom, all kids have accidents." I don't care. At the very least I had a "bad mom moment". I was careless. I live in a two-story house. I have a flight of stairs. There are 14 stairs. I know because one of my obsessive habits is counting. Everytime I walk up or down those stairs I count them. I wasn't even doing anything important. I was looking on the stupid computer for something. My 10-month old son was crawling around in his room with his brother. I was right in the next room, somehow I thought that he wouldn't crawl out of that room because he was playing and if he did I thought I'd hear him. Well, he did and I didn't. Now I want to put a bell around his neck like a cat so I always know where he is. I heard a thump thump and he started to cry. I jumped up and yelled at my older son, "what are you doing?" thinking he had knocked the baby down or something but when I got to the door I heard more thumping and realized the baby wasn't in the bedroom he was falling down the stairs. All fourteen of them. I was shocked and horrified. How could I have been so stupid, so careless? I hate that gate. It's a pain to shut, a pain to open. But is it such a hassle that I was willing to risk my child's life? I was halfway down the stairs by the time he hit the bottom. I was in shock, what should I do? Should I call his dad, the doctor? Go straight the the ER? I picked him up and tried to soothe him. He was conscious, he was crying. It was a miracle in my eyes that he was alive. I don't care what anyone will say or think, I know that this was a miracle. I took all his clothes off once he calmed down and checked him all over. I squeezed his little arms, his legs, felt his belly and his back. Checked and re-checked his head. He seemed to be fine. I took him to the doctor an hour later. She assured me that this happens all the time, that he was fine but I will never forgive myself. I am so much more careful now but I'm still shocked that he wasn't seriously injured. As a mother you take the love you feel for your children for granted. That changes when they are in danger. I was given a second chance to protect my baby and I'm grateful. If I sound dramatic, well, it was dramatic to me.